It became obvious in January that Ken was losing his four year battle with cancer.  Connie, his wife of over thirty years, took her vacation month from work, and then an additional five week leave of absence to be with him every agonizing day in the hospital.  On March 17th, Ken died.

At the request of her employers, Connie returned to work on March 30th. With her Irish determination and “stiff upper lip” approach, she shut down her feelings, masking the pain of a broken heart. Customers and fellow workers alike thought she was strong and “doing fine”. 

In fact, she was not fine.  Five months later, Connie experienced an emotional explosion. The grief she had bottled up inside her emerged with a rush. She was totally overwhelmed, not only by the intense, uncontrollable feeling of loss, but also by the “shame” of “losing it”.

Depression, fear, confusion, crying and despair swept over her in waves.  Connie was unable to handle customers without falling apart. People were shocked, especially “after so long” when it had appeared she was doing so well. Her employers, though caring about Connie, faced a dilemma — not really understanding what was actually going on with her, yet having to concern themselves about the effects the situation was having on her productivity, her co-workers, and her customers.

This is grief at work. It is important to draw attention to the effect on people in the work place of grief through death, divorce or numerous other life changes. Bereavement can be a devastating experience. The grieving person faces an emotionally rocky journey. While it is often affirmed that grief is normal., it is nonetheless troublesome, and often leaves people like Connie unable to function at work within acceptable limits. Long after the funeral is over, the impact of loss can hit home. Months after people think we have it together, the grieving person may feel like they are falling apart. After a loss, our equilibrium, health and well-being can be severely compromised. This affects us in every area of life, not least of which is in our work.

We have not recognized the enormous effect grief has on the workplace. Not only does it affect those who experience bereavement, there are many struggling to cope with and grieving over OTHER significant losses — divorce and separation; relocation; job changes; injury; being passed over for promotion; being laid off; early retirement; and unemployment. At any given time, a significant section of the work force may be coping with a major personal loss.

Much as we would like to subscribe to the concept of a compassionate society, the real world can be cruel. The expectations of the workplace are that the employee will perform and produce, devoid of human emotions and unaffected by personal experiences.  In some work environments, the expression of personal feelings is taboo, often interpreted as weakness. Yet, if bereavement produces a necessary emotional response, a conflict between the needs of the individual and the goals of the workplace seems inevitable. 

Most companies recognize death as an acceptable cause for absence from work. Many give three days off to help employees cope with the loss of a loved one, although there is often a hierarchy of loss, with three days for the loss of a spouse, child or parent, ranging down to one day for other relatives. Sometimes there will be an informal policy regarding the death of a co-worker or a “friend” (a term we cannot assume we understand in today’s society without some knowledge of the actual relationship). Most companies respond to a death with meaningful gestures such as sending flowers or memorials, and are supportive around the time of the death.

An understanding of the grief process indicates people are generally in a state of shock and numbness in the days after a loss. Confusing numbness with strength, some people feel support can be withdrawn shortly after the event. We expect or hope people will just “get on with it”. Yet, most manifestations of grief do not appear until weeks or months after the event. Because there is not much understanding of this process, this reaction catches both the individual and the employer by surprise.

Over time, the bereaved employee may experience some of the following symptoms: inability to concentrate; lack of motivation; impaired decision-making; confusion; memory gaps; anxiety; crying; social withdrawal; apathy; decreasing productivity; and other seemingly in appropriate emotional responses.  These are all the more bewildering because they are uncharacteristic of the person. As a result of these normal but dysfunctional responses, such employees often have a high absentee, sickness, alcohol and drug use and accident rate in the months after a significant loss.        

Because of the effect a troubled employee has on productivity, which is after all the bottom line in business, many companies have responded with employee assistance programs (EAP). Such programs address many issues, such as substance abuse, marital and emotional problems, and play a significant part in helping an employee cope with a personal loss. Unfortunately, often only larger companies are able to offer such help, yet these resources are needed by all. Where there is no program available through an EAP, arrangements could be made by businesses or other referring agencies to connect people with an ongoing grief support program through a local funeral home.

Every manager or executive will eventually be confronted with a death in the workplace.  There is a need to provide them with information enabling them to understand the grief process and so understand the grieving employee. Such understanding will enable the workplace to become more accommodating to the needs of their people. Three days of funeral leave only begins to address the grieving individual’s needs. Healing takes time, often much longer than people expect. The full impact of grief is felt long after the funeral.

Most people do not have the opportunity or the financial luxury of taking an extended leave of absence. Usually they must keep on working while they are putting their lives together. Finding energy to do both can be a challenge. Managers and knowledgeable co-workers can do much to support grieving people through this stressful time, and thus dramatically reduce non-productive behaviors. The ability to identify employees experiencing grief and loss and refer them to the appropriate resources can be vital to the well-being of the work climate as well as to the individual. Grief is not a mental illness nor aberrant behavior, though it is sometimes treated as such. Loss is a fact of life. Grief is the reaction to that loss, and must be worked through by the individual in order to heal.

Some ideas for the business manager: organize lunch time seminars for interested staff and employees; access community support groups often available through local funeral homes; offer bereavement counseling resources; and offer training workshops for staff on understanding grief and support for grieving employees.

Connie attended a grief support group for some time, and came to me for grief counseling. It was a long journey, and she had a struggle to come to terms with her loss, but with help, she was eventually able to return to work.  But as she herself put it, “I had to take time to be a mess!” The opportunity to do so gave her the message that she was important to her company and to her friends, and that people were willing to support her through the most challenging experiences of her life.

• It is important to note that children have many questions about death, and these are usually different than the ones that occur to adults. Children’s questions deserve simple, straight forward answers. The first task of a grieving child is to make sense of the factual information about how the loss occurred. A caregiver’s direct, concrete explanation of the facts surrounding the death will help the children begin to come to terms with what has happened. They may ask to hear the facts a number of times. They may also want to share the story with many others … friends, teachers, strangers … to try to comprehend the unimaginable that has happened.
• Children’s perception of loss and their grief has to be understood according to their developmental levels. Death, or indeed any loss, means different things to children of different ages. Enquire and try to figure out what this loss mean to this child at this particular time in life. What they feel they have lost will be a determinate of what they are missing, and what needs to be.
• Dispel any fears the child may have. Children are often afraid that someone else in the family, or they themselves will die also. They need to have reassurance that these fears are unfounded. Every child is afraid of being abandoned, so if one parent has died, the remaining parent can assure the child that he/she expects to live a long time, and will take care of all the child’s needs.
• Children need to teach adults about their grief. Every child and every response is unique. Rather than assuming that we know what the child is feeling, we must allow the children to be our teachers. As children share their grief with others they trust, they tell us what they are feeling and experiencing. As adults communicate respect, acceptance, warmth and understanding, the child will sense that they are being taken seriously and be more open to the stabilizing presence of that individual as they reach out with meaningful support.
• Children express themselves in a variety of ways after a loss. Some of the most widely recognized include: an apparent lack of feelings; acting out behavior, due to feelings of insecurity and abandonment and often expressed by behaviors which provoke punishment, for children would rather be punished than feel ignored; regressive behavior; fear; guilt and self-blame; “Big Man” or “Big Woman” syndrome, (often encouraged by those who with good yet unwise intentions tell a 10 year old that he has to be the “man of the family”); disorganization and panic; loss and loneliness; explosive emotions.
• Simple ceremonies such as lighting a candle next to a photograph; placing a letter, picture or special memento in a casket; or releasing a helium balloon with a message attached for the person who died, can be effective rituals of farewell. Children can be wonderfully creative with these kinds of meaningful, symbolic ideas.
• Speak in simple language: Ask the child what he/she thinks, knows and feels, and respond specifically to these concerns. Do not give excessive detail, and make sure you check how the child is putting the information all together.
• Be honest. Avoid half truths. Never tell a child something he/she will later have to unlearn. Don’t avoid the word death, because sometimes the alternatives (asleep, gone away, in a better place, etc.) create worse difficulty in a child’s mind.
• Be open about the situation: When my wife died, my boys were 9 and 7 years of age. As much as I might have wanted to, there was no avoiding the questions that arose. “Why did Mommy die?” “Where is she now?” “What will we do if you die too?” I tried to answer the questions they asked simply and honestly, without giving too complicated responses. They discerned that I was making them a part of it all, and was being open about everything and accepted that.
• Initiate the conversation: Children may not ask questions because they are not sure if they will upset we adults. They may not know what to ask, or be able to put their uncertainties into words. They know that something unusual is happening, and are scared by it. Instead of asking questions, they may turn to whining or other negative behaviors, which add to your emotional stress. In response, rather than helping them cope, adults may get upset or angry and this adds to the reluctance to talk. Try to be sensitive to opportunities to ask children how they feel. We might ask, “You’ve probably been wondering about …. ”, and pose the question that the children may be asking.
• Sometimes our concern for the children can mask a deep need to resolve our own adult grief issues. Sometimes it is easier and more socially acceptable to say, “I am concerned about the children,” than it is to say, “I’m having a hard time dealing with this myself.” So be careful not to transfer your own fears and anxieties on to the children.
• Often a child may benefit from a support program. Talk to your doctor, spiritual leader or other community resource people to see what programs are available for your children.
• Above all, let the child know that these feelings of grief are natural and a necessary part of the grieving process and that their grief will pass. Assure them they are not alone, and that others, including you yourself, feel sad as well. Assure the child, however, that these feelings will pass with time, and that life will return to normal.

Sally’s words teach us that a child’s feelings resulting from the death of a parent or sibling may not be obvious to others. Because the child thinks the universe revolves around them, a death can produce an anxiety that translates into a “fear of losing myself”. Sally, at 5, felt like she was getting “smaller and smaller” and that she might “disappear”. This fear of being lost, and the related anxieties about being on the outside of things is common among children of all ages.

It should be obvious that any child old enough to love is old enough to grieve. Children of ages are affected by any significant loss, and often very deeply, because their coping mechanisms are just developing. To understand the complexity of how each situation affects a child, we should ask ourselves: 

“What does THIS loss mean to THIS child, at THIS time in his/her life?” 

However it is important to recognize that a child’s comprehension and their response to a death varies, depending on their age and developmental levels. Death means different things to children of different ages.

For Infants, awareness of their world is limited, so the death of a mother is perceived as “unavailability” or “absence”. An infant’s needs are for physical contact, warmth and consistency, which creates security. The absence of a nurturer poses a threat to survival, resulting in fears.

Between about 2 – 4 years, a child still has no concept of the permanence of death, but their fears are more numerous. Cartoons suggest that characters can be blown up, run over, hurt, but then simply get up and go about their business. Likewise the young child may believe that “Mum will come back” and may continue to act as if the dead person is still alive. Death is just a “sleep” from which they didn’t wake up.

Between ages 5-9, a child’s understanding of death undergoes another change. This is often the age of “magical thinking”. They see death as coming from an external source … a bogeyman, or angel who comes to take people away. They regard it as some kind of enemy or assailant. Thus children may regard death as something to outwit, rationalizing “if I am good or do the right things I will be able to reverse this.” If we do not make children a part of what is happening, or keep it “a secret”, they assume that somehow they are responsible, which mistaken perception merely adds complications to their mourning.

Again remembering that we are talking developmental levels as well as actual ages, between 9 – 12 the child begins to understand that death is the end of life, irreversible, and is a natural part of life rather than an enemy who steals people away. They become more concerned with the consequences of death … “who will take care of me? will we have to move? will Dad marry again? (and if so what will happen to us?)” Because they are no longer thinking of themselves as “little children”, they may present a façade of independence and coping. They want to comfort a surviving parent or family member, and may try to assume the roles of the person who has died. They want to be helpful, which can be OK, but caution is required. All too often younger children have a terrible burden placed on them by some well intentioned person who says, “You need to act grown up. You’re the father/mother of the family now.” The child will assume the role to attempt to master their pain and deny their helplessness, but it is unrealistic to expect a child to be anything other than a child.

Older children often need help to express their grief, especially over the loss of a parent. Research clearly shows that teenagers have more intense grief, but struggle desperately not to show it. Adolescents are suspended between the dependency of childhood and the adult responsibility they hope to earn. The young person may fear that expressing deep sadness or grief displays a return to childhood vulnerability, which they resist stoically. But also, it is part of the teenage role to be in conflict with parents, and so when a parent dies during this transition between reliance and self-determination, there can be a struggle. Besides, it is not regarded as “cool” to be talking about missing your parents. Teenagers are exceedingly concerned about the acceptability of their responses to others, particularly their peers. Thus the teen may find it difficult to express the feelings the death of a parent can raise.

Any death confronts teenagers with their own mortality. They could die. Angry at the death, they may adopt a “Why should I care” attitude. Perhaps as a defense, or maybe in defiance, young people sometimes engage in reckless or dangerous behaviors to show they don’t care or to try to prove they are immortal.

As we have mentioned, a child who has been personally affected by death will have multiple fears, among which might be:

• Fear of losing the other parent (then what will happen to me)
• Fear that he or she too will die
• Fear of going to sleep (lest I never wake up, like Mum)
• Fear of being separated from a parent or sibling
• Fear of being unprotected
• Fear of sharing feelings or emotions with others 

Then, this past summer, another family member got sick. In spite of heroic treatment with constant care and attention, they finally died.

No, it was not a child, parent, sibling or relative.Marian lost her cat!

For those who have never had a companion animal, pet loss is often hard to understand. “After all,” many say, “it was just a cat … or a dog, bunny rabbit, hamster, budgie or any one of many possibilities.” Pet loss is often overlooked by society, so when an animal dies, owners grieve alone because they are afraid that they will be ridiculed, or thought to be crazy or stupid, because, after all it is “only a pet”.

But for Marian, Pebbles was “one of the family”. This loss has been just as devastating to her as the death of her husband, probably complicated by the fact that she was “their” cat, and Pebbles death cuts one more string that connected her to Bob. Perhaps the loss of an animal is made more difficult because there is a lack of understanding of how significant this relationship can be, leading to little sympathy from those around.

In fact, within a week of Pebbles death, a neighbour showed up at the door with a new kitten for Marian, which she politely refused to accept, still too hurt from her loss to be able to invest in another relationship. She managed a wry smile as she told me about it. “Too bad they didn’t bring over some younger guy to replace BOB when he died”, she retorted, and the chuckle we shared helped put it in perspective.

In case you haven’t noticed, the Pet Industry is big business these days.

Report Buyer, a UK based online destination for business intelligence, has now added a new market report titled “The Pet Industry” which predicts that last year, North Americans will spend over $43 BILLION (£25 BILLION) on pet supplies and services, and that pet owners in the UK are fast catching up with their North American friends when it comes to spending money on their pets.  Pet food is the largest segment accounting for 42% of the total market. But non-food pet supplies such as litter, toys and over-the-counter medicines are the fastest-growing segment of the market. Stores in the UK are increasingly responding to the growing trend of the “humanization” of pets by providing accessories and products beyond leads and water bowls. A buyer for a major national chain recently stated that the response to the store’s new pet boutique has been “absolutely phenomenal”. Animal hospitals, and pet cemeteries are also growing exponentially, and cremation urns and other funeral paraphernalia is becoming big business.

And so, not surprisingly, grief counselors for pet loss are emerging. The loss of any relationship can cause intense pain, and even if others may not understand, a pet is often a significant and constant part of your life. Pebbles provided Marian a source of comfort and companionship, unconditional love and acceptance, and even fun and joy after Bob’s death. Little wonder she was devastated by the loss of that relationship.

While there are many common factors in grief over any relationship, there are issues that are unique to the situation that often trouble the grieving pet lover.

A major issue is guilt, especially in those frequent situations where the pet owner had to decide to euthanize the animal or where the cat was killed by a speeding car or a veterinarian treatment was unsuccessful. In Marian’s case, she spent an extraordinary amount on treatments hoping to give the cat a few extra years of life, and her some more time with her pet.

But after 8 months, she saw the writing on the wall. Vets may be the best judge of physical condition, but Marian was the best judge of her beloved pet’s quality of daily life. Seeing the constant pain, as well as having to undergo difficult and stressful treatments that didn’t seem to be helping, as well as Pebbles general lack of interest in life, Marian chose to end her beloved companion’s suffering, and the vet concurred.

Marian courageously insisted on being with Pebbles to the end, needing to see the cat passing peacefully and without pain. She spent some time with her beforehand, and continued to stroke and comfort her while the procedure was administered, and remained for some time after the cat had died. Many veterinary offices have developed a very sensitive and caring process for the procedure which is sometimes done in an office, in the person’s home, or even on occasion in a person’s car.

Then there was a decision about what to do with the remains. As with a human death, there are many options. Some alternatives are to leave the pet at the vet’s for disposal; to bury the animal at home (although city regulations often prohibit this, and it can be difficult if the person moves after a while); pet cemeteries provide dignity, security and permanence at a cost; cremation is less expensive and provides many options to handle the ashes, again at a cost, including urns, jewellery, etc. If you didn’t know it, folks, the pet funeral industry is alive and well.

Marian made all the decisions about what she wanted for Pebbles, and handled the situation like the trooper she is. But then she came home to an empty house, and it hit her like a ton of bricks. She felt a myriad of emotions:

She felt sadness that this constant companion who had provided a connection to her beloved Bob was gone.  She expressed anger that the treatments the vet had promised would give Pebbles a year or two of life (and that had cost her a small fortune) had not worked and had caused 6 months of suffering. She tormented herself with guilt over the fact that even though she knows it was “the right thing to do”, that SHE had made the decision, that SHE had killed her cat. Had she been too hasty? Could she have done more? And above all, the loneliness of missing the comfort and companionship she had clung so desperately to after Bob died.

Let me make a confession. I never did “get” the significance of pet loss, minimizing its importance in my own mind because I have never owned a pet, my fear of animals going back to being bitten by a neighbor’s rampaging German Shepherd dog when I was 10 years of age.

But I get it now, thanks to hearing Marian’s story. So many people get so much love and delight from their beloved pets in life, and like any significant relationship, they grieve deeply for them when they are gone. But it is more than that. People often make pets living symbols of their inner feelings: for some, symbols of their own innocence and purest feelings and the need to care; for others symbols of aggression and dominance as I personally found out at age 10. Whether positive or negative, when that pet dies a treasured secret part of the person also dies.

I did a bit of research in the “pet loss web sites” and found that much of the advice to help people through their grief is exactly the same as what is offered when a human companion dies. Regardless, grief is probably the most confusing, frustrating and emotional thing that a person can experience. It is even more so for bereaved pet owners, when society in general does not give them “permission” to grieve openly. Consequently, they often feel isolated and alone. It is known as disenfranchised grief. Luckily, more and more resources are becoming available to help the bereaved pet owner realize that they are NOT alone and that what they are feeling is entirely normal.

As Helen Keller once succinctly put it: “What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.”